New York - Phoning home while on the train, pick-up attempts at online flirting websites and breakups achieved in a text message: the digital world has brought forth any number of new communication phenomena. But things that are being celebrated as trendy also have a downside. That is in digital contact between people, style and etiquette often fall by the wayside. And some rules change so quickly that many people can't keep pace.
Adriano Sack, German-born author of books on manners, had to learn about the new norms first hand. A New York City resident, he recounts private experiences and many new impressions on cooperation between people in the digital world.
In New York City, for example, cell phones are not just a danger to drivers. Sack explains how the mayor wanted to ban cell phone use by pedestrians because so many people were not paying attention to traffic while talking on their phones, Sack said. He also recalled a communications professor who used his phone 11 times during lunch with him.
Such behaviour would make many manners experts blow their tops. But things are coming full circle.
"It used to be that people who were always reachable were cool and important," said the Berlin-based style trainer Jan Schaumann. He has spotted a change in accessibility. "Today a person is interesting if he can afford to turn off his cell phone."
During a meeting, Schaumann said he considers it a sign that a good tone has been set when a person turns off their cell phone and concentrates solely on the face-to-face meeting. "Anything else is disrespectful."
According to Sack, the young cell phone and internet generation has forgotten the fundamentals of etiquette through their early embrace of digital technology. Handwriting has become almost a forgotten art. A child growing up in a normal family nowadays learns to use a mouse before he or she can write with a pencil.
According to Schaumann's estimation, the content of e-mails and text messages, reflects that and many old rules of communication still apply in the digital world.
"Private and business e-mails should be written in an orderly fashion. The writer should follow the rules of orthography and grammar," said Schaumann. He considers the use of smiley faces to express mood "catastrophic."
In other places, the new communication possibilities have also resulted in new rules for relationships. A letter can't be answered from one minute to the next. E-mails and text messages have shortened the waiting time for a reply. "Of course, a lot of people receive plenty of messages per day. And despite the volume, they should be answered as quickly as possible."
Schaumann said a time lapse of between 24 and 48 hours is appropriate. A faster response seems positive, according to his assessment. More important is the content of the answer. Sack has established a few other rules. "Write nothing in an e-mail that could be liable in a court of law, insulting or embarrassing to yourself," he said, adding they always land in the wrong hands, especially at the workplace where a lot of information flows at a rapid pace.
Answering private e-mail during work hours can not only drive the boss crazy, experts say it also shows a lack of style.
"That is an absolute no-go," said communications coach Rudi Rhode of Wuppertal. "A person isn't being paid to do private communication."
Private cell phoning while at work is also taboo, said Rhode. If a call comes in, it's better to transfer it to voice mail or to take it, but immediately let the caller know you are at work and keep the conversation short. An exception would be a call from one's children because that could be something important.
A quickly typed text message can be practical in cases when people aren't sure how to respond. But when it comes to emotional situations, texting should be tabu, Schaumann said.
"The cell phone generation turns to their beloved text messaging more and more often in conflict resolution," Schaumann observed. If it's time to end a relationship, it's done these days in a text message. Behavioural experts consider this cheap and lacking respect.
This has just as little class as the tactic of having a friend call during a date in case it's going badly and there's an excuse to leave, if necessary. Schaumann said it's possible to end a bad date nicely and honestly. One rule that still stands in the digital age is, "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."
